Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
