I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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