Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
