I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
