just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
