He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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