youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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