Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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