I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
