The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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