Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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