my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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