She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
