Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
