it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
