On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
