billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
