Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
