My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
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