All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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