In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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