Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
