a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
operation have a gay friend backfired
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
