i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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