Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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