I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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