he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
