We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
