I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
