R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
