I faked an abortion last night.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
