yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
