in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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