I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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