be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
