i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
