some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
