your thong is hanging out like whoa
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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