Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
