you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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