He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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