If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
