I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
