My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
