I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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