Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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