I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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