i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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