I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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