I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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