True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The air was thick with penises
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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