Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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