listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
