Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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