I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I skipped work to stalk him.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
