"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
