trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
tell me about the eggs
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
