in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
