I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
When did angry sex become our thing?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
