My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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