the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
