My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
