I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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