Cold hands, warm shart.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
