and my herpes radar will keep us safe
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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