I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize