i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
