There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize