The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
