i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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