Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
