He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
