fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
