Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
