we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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